


The glass half full

by WigglyWalrus



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:35:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WigglyWalrus/pseuds/WigglyWalrus
Relationships: Bojack Horseman & Original Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	The glass half full

Bojack took another drag from his cigarette. The view from the roof was magnificent. The stars hung in the sky like so many helium balloo…  
  
"I think about killing myself a lot" he said, cutting the thought short.  
  
Penny the Persian pussy from Portsmouth put her paw on his hand and purrred. He continued.  
  
"It's okay…You don't have to answer…I can tell from the look on your face that this is your first time talking about this. I spent a while in rehab, and I learnt that people like me never give that look. Because for us… It's normal. "  
  
For a second, his mouth locks slightly open, his eyes squinting, as if he was wrestling to find where to go.  
  
" So yeah… I think about killing myself… A lot. Not in an active _I'm going to take this belt and hang myself_ kind of way… More of a _hey, here is this nice pleasant experience you are having right now so maybe you should just jump of the edge_ kind of way. "  
  
He lifts his hand, curls his fingers and looks at the third of an inch of ash hanging on the end of his cigarette  
  
"The thing is though at the moment it feels toothless. It's just what my brain does. And it's fine most of the time but then I will look around and see something that reminds me of one of the millions of shitty things I have done in my life and then… "  
  
His voice trails off, he exhales and looks at his crossed feet.  
  
" They are right you know. I do have a problem… with women. Out of desperation and fear and loneliness I tell my sad stories to lure you in. To make you care. To feel sorry for me. And then when you are hooked, I string you along from one mess to the next. Eventually, you will realize that it's been 7 years… or 20… Or However long you can keep going and you will wonder how you ended up running around after a jerk who gives you nothing but pain."  
  
He lifts his head and stares out, pulling his hand away from penny's.  
  
" Shit I am doing it right now… "  
  
She turns her head towards bojack as a grin comes across her face  
  
"Well its working so far, you got me up here, and now I’m so turned on that all I want to do is take you back to mine and ride you like a … well you know"  
  
"wh… wait? What?”  
  
Bojack leans away from the green-eyed cat,which were shining with mischief  
  
“Well what the hell else do you want me to say? Oh, how tragic it is for poor old Bojack who goes from one mess to the next and he can never catch a break? He is doomed to travel through this mortal realm forever alone? Only I, PENNY, with my power of having a vagina can save you!”  
  
Her grin relaxes into to an empathetic smile  
  
“Look, I may be from the UK, that doesn’t mean we didn’t get bad sitcoms back in the day…”  
  
“Actually, it was fairly well reviewed at the time”  
  
Bojack was ashamed of cutting her off. Even after all these years and signing those papers he still hinged so much of his pride on that show. The silence sat for a couple more seconds than was comfortable, his punishment.  
  
“… We also get the news over there. And gossip rags. And your book. I have seen it all, I know the risks. “  
  
She turns her head back to the view  
  
“Look , I’m not going to pretend that I’m thrilled that I came to hollywoo in my late 40s and ended up having a nice enough time with _predator_ bojack horseman at his party for his new film… what was it again ? The horny… The horny…”  
  
“The horny unicorn…”  
  
“Right that’s it! Anyway, that I am, like, 60/40 split going to sleep with you, but I can’t at my age afford to be so risk averse when I have a good thing going. The time I spent with you this evening was the happiest I have been in years. I don’t know how long term, if there is a long term, I am going to hold up with these moments where you feel sad. I have known people like you, I didn’t just get up and ditch them because of something they can’t control.”  
  
She stops, slightly flustered and eyes Bojack.  
  
“But I am getting way ahead of myself. What I am trying to say is that, I learnt the hard way that people choose to see the glass being half empty. For some people it’s harder than others to see it any other way…”  
  
She pauses and makes some small vague circular hand motion, then stops when she notices she is doing it.  
  
“...But choosing to try to see the world in a better light every day is the only way to see the change you want to live. It’s not a cure, and you will have your bad days, but it will make it so you can look at yourself in the mirror and say that you tried, and that’s more than what most people can say and it’s all that you can really ask of yourself. “  
  
Bojack could feel it coming. It was painful at first, then cathartic. He hadn’t cried in years. Not for Sarah Lynn. Not for Herb. Not even for his mother.  
  
“I… I… don’t know where to start”  
  
“You just do! When you can’t keep doing what you have been doing you have to change something. When you look around and you are alone, you change something. When all you feel is sadness and regret, you change something. For me it was getting on meds and seeing a psychologist. That is why I didn’t accept that drink from that guy who was hitting on me earlier.”  
  
She pulls her knees towards her chest and wraps her arms around them, her smile fades and her voice softens.  
  
“Once you start doing what you need to do you keep doing it until one day you feel sad and you realise Wait! this is how shitty I used to feel all the time! and then you just keep doing what you are doing because you know it’s working”  
  
Her eyes start going distant.  
  
“From time to time you will have a wobble, and you are terrified that you are backsliding. Or you forget to take your meds and you think that everything is going to go to shit, but then you take ‘em that evening and the next day you feel a bit better…”  
She puts her hand on his shoulder  
  
“Look, you are right, I have never been suicidal, but I have been depressed for most of my life and talking to someone who actually knows what they are talking about actually helps. If you want to actually get better, get help. From a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist. And if they think you need meds, take them. Responsibly.”  
  
Bojack curls up and rests his head on her shoulder as her hand that was resting on his slides down to grab his opposite hand. He hadn’t felt this in years. It was like a part of his brain that had been turned off out of necessity went into overdrive.  
  
“I’ll try.” He whispers  



End file.
